It’s often said that when we’re triggered by someone else’s behavior, it’s because we’re seeing a reflection of ourselves. That can be true—but the truth is often more nuanced than the cliché.
Many of us strive to live ethically and morally. So when we see someone bending or breaking the rules, acting selfishly, or manipulating others, we may respond with anger, outrage, or righteous indignation. But does this reaction mean that we, too, are secretly unethical—that we act in this way to but burrow our awareness of it deep within our subconscious?
Not necessarily.
What it does mean is that something in us is unresolved. And more often than not, that something is related to control.
Ego and the Urge to Control
Every human has an ego. The ego isn’t evil—it’s a fear-based coping mechanism that tries to manipulate our external world in an attempt to create a feeling of safety. Some people live almost entirely from this place. They try to control others through intimidation, lying, emotional manipulation, or domination. Society sometimes celebrates this behavior: “tough,” “no-nonsense,” “gets results.” But at its root, it’s not strength—it’s fear that motivates that behavior. It’s a fear of outcomes they feel powerless to handle, so they grasp for control at any cost. Often with painful results for everyone involved.
For those of us committed to self-awareness and ethical living, this kind of ego-driven behavior can be infuriating. We don’t act like that. We don’t try to control others. So why are we so deeply triggered when we witness it?
Here’s the subtle truth: it’s not the behavior itself that triggers us. It’s the part of us that wants to behave that way—but doesn’t. It’s the part of us that wonders, what if control is the safer option? What if domination works?
We suppress this urge because we’ve chosen a different path. We’ve chosen to be ethical. But suppression creates shadow. And the shadow always finds a way to surface—often through our triggers.
The Ethical Dilemma in Shadow
It’s not that we’re secret bullies living in denial. It’s that we haven’t fully resolved the internal conflict between our values and our survival instincts. We want to believe that ethics and compassion are the right path. But when we see others getting ahead through control, manipulation, and ego, we may start to question our choice. That’s the trigger: the doubt that perhaps we’re wrong or foolish, not seeing the world for what it is – survival of the fittest, might is right. There’s discomfort in watching someone “succeed” through domination while we play by the rules. Not to mention we’ve all experienced bullying and it leaves a mark.
Rather than acknowledging that part of us—the part that sometimes wishes to bulldoze through life like the bullies do—we disown it. We push it into the shadow. And in doing so, we fracture ourselves.
This internal division is what leads to external conflict. What we suppress internally, we project externally. The result? We clash with others not because of who they are, but because of what we haven’t resolved within ourselves.
Wholeness Requires Honesty
When we suppress parts of ourselves, even the parts we don’t like, we create inner tension—like holding a cork underwater, it takes constant energy to suppress thoughts we don’t like to have. Eventually we tire and what we were trying to suppress erupts. Instead of suppressing the urge to control, we need to understand it. Not indulge it—but examine it with compassion.
Ask: Why does this part of me think control is necessary? What is it afraid of? Does control really work?
When we understand that ego behavior doesn’t actually lead to peace or security—even if it gets results—it begins to lose its appeal. You may win through manipulation, but you’ll always be looking over your shoulder. That’s not safety; that’s anxiety.
Even those who appear unbothered by their actions—those who harm, exploit, or control—aren’t exempt. Every human being has empathy. It may be deeply buried, but it’s there. The more ego they enact, the more they must suppress that inner knowing. And the more suppression, the greater the internal tension and misery. There is no peace in harming others physically or emotionally.
Integration Is Liberation
Understanding this changes everything. When you truly see that ego-driven behavior doesn’t work—that it never brings real safety, real joy, or real connection—your internal conflict begins to dissolve. You no longer reject the path of the ego just because it’s “wrong,” but fully drop it because it simply doesn’t make sense anymore.
This is integration. The shadow is no longer shadow. The internal contradiction fades. And with that, the trigger vanishes.
Each trigger we face is an invitation to heal an inner divide. When one arises, pause. Ask yourself: What are the two opposing beliefs I’m holding right now? One of them is likely in shadow. Bring it to light with the courage of self-honesty. Understand it. Hold it with compassion. Then reconcile your conflicting beliefs from a place of wholeness.
When you resolve conflict within, life reflects that peace back to you. The outer world becomes less combative because your inner world is no longer subconsciously at war.